The international incident

"... you're not going to believe this."

"Tell me."

"One of the guests put her finger in the dressing to taste it."

"Wait. Whaaaaat? In the actual dressing bowl or was it on her plate? The one on the buffet?"

"Yes. The buffet. And it had a serving spoon."

"What did you do?"

"I said, 'Really? Reaaaallly?' What else can you do?"

"Not sure. Did she like it?"

"I suppose so. She ate it, didn't she?"

And that is what was said between a colleague and I after an event hosted for a group of international visitors recently.

Once this happens, you would rightly pitch the whole dressing bowl and begin again because, frankly, eeeeeeewwwwwwwww: That about covers our collective thoughts.

The trouble in this instance however, was that it was an off-site catered event and there was no replacing the entire untouched bowl of dressing. The caterer was already gone. This woman was at the head of the buffet line, and all the guests behind her witnessed this lunch hour treachery in horror.

Now, one could do any number of things after swooning and being revived (and then once again remembering what happened and naturally passing flat out a second time - but anyway assuming you do, at some point, recover). I have thought of some options, maybe you have some thoughts too?

A. Pick up the spoon and stir up the fingertip germs and bacteria. When you are finished squeal with delight, "Yummmmm, delish!"

B. Using the serving spoon as a sword, you engage the perpetrator in a duel, landing her in her seat safely away from the buffet and presumably preventing her from "testing" any of the other dishes she encounters, all the while growling, "Back! Get back! Away!."

C. You pick up the dressing bowl walk it over to the trash and instruct your assistant to go decant some olive oil and vinegar ASAP.

D. Throwing the dressing to the floor while awash in elephant tears and wailing, "You... you, animal. You've ruined it! My lunch! My life! You filthy, filthy beast!" While waiting for the ambulance to arrive and administer oxygen which you will refuse as you dramatically flee the building with tissues clutched in both fists, you fling as many insults in as many languages as you can manage and advise her she will be hearing from your lawyer and to expect some papers arriving to her cave shortly.

Just loose thoughts of course...

Your cocktail is obviously in danger, risk it

From spring to fall, polo matches bring the world to see Northern Virginia. On many weekends there will be two or three tournaments close by. In perfect honesty, as long as I have been around horses, polo has been more of a sporting event (for the teams) and a social event (for all) than it is a spectator sport (if I was paying close attention I would spend a lot of time clutching my heart and grinding my teeth, it is harrowing).



It seems I am not the only one who feels this way. Entire tents have been erected for the half-attention of uncommitted spectators. Like this one, from this past weekend.

If I am to be comprehensive in this manners thing we have going here then I need to inform you that while there is all the usual good manners required at polo, there is something else you should know if you intend to be a spectator at a polo match: The tradition of the Divot Stomp is an unspoken non-negotiable attendee mandate. You will rise from your chair, leave the tent, and take to the field on foot to replace divots en masse with the rest of the gallery. Period.



There were just too many weak-souled people who remained in the tent; revelry undisturbed by tradition. But there are those who know you need not abandon your cocktail in order to be in the good graces of the polo community. It is about balance: Both literal (you might be in kitten heels) and figurative (figure if you have had more than four you need an escort on to the field).



One other piece of advice springs to mind in looking over the pictures: If you are going to take to the middle of the field for the divots, then, really - concentrate. It is far better than standing around chatting when you are supposed to be working.

Great Burgundies, cause celebre, and their service

The first duty of wine is to be red. The second is to be a Burgundy.
- Harry Waugh

Don't reach for the champagne.

Just this once when you have something to celebrate promise me you will celebrate with a great Burgandy instead.

Of all the bottles one should experience in laying claim to being a person who likes wine, both the reds and whites of this tiny wine region of France are critical to an understanding of the true potential of beautiful wines and great celebrations. These wines are full of never-ending complexities and intrigue. Polished, sexy, solicitous, and unpredictable to the bottom of every glass and bottle.

Now, if you are going to do this, get a really fine bottle. And brace yourself, in recent years the Burgundy market has become heady. At least your first few times, do not bother with the lesser Burgundies, even if you are tempted to walk away with a $20 bottle, you are only cheating your own bucket list. But that's your business in the end. Moving on.

"Above all, the great white Burgundies are stunningly complex. Drinking them can be an exercise in delicious patience as layer of flavor after layer of flavor reveals itself. The great red Burgundies are indisputably sensual. For centuries they have been described in the most erotic of ways, and sipping them, has been compared to, among other things, falling in love. This sensuality extends beyond the wines provocatively earthy aromas and flavors. The top Burgundies, red and white, have beguiling textures that melt or dance upon or explode against the palate in unforgettable ways. Great ones can send shivers up your spine."

- Karen MacNeil, The Wine Bible

When a great Burgundy makes its way into your orbit, do the wine well and be certain you have the right glass: a broad bowl which tapers towards the top. Never hold the bowl of any wine glass cradled in your palm; it will heat the wine.

Red Burgundies are all Pinot Noir; the most finicky creature on the vine yields spectacular wines in this region. Unlike other red wines you have come to know, do not allow these wines to sit about in the air, put your nose in the glass immediately and then drink thoughtfully. No fooling around; you have no time to waste. Burgundies will immediately reveal their character and continue unravel a wild world of flavors as the wine lowers in the glass.

Because these wines are likely to blossom, thrill, and change until the glass is emptied, it is standard practice never to top off Burgundies. It would be something of a gluttonous and unfortunate tragedy. Indeed, the sommelier is not slacking in this case when the wine is allowed to reach the bottom of the glass. Finish your glass, taking your time, have another if you are lucky to have enough on hand.

And when you do, remember who sent you. Cheers.

Big fat etiquette

Such a great scene. The appalling nature of the meat abstinence would have been the same in many homes I knew growing up, including my Grandmother's. That has little to do with being Greek, but big fat family meals and the sentiment of cooking for you, that is woven into Greek DNA.

As it happens, I'm a little obsessed with Greece, Greek food, Greek wine, and now, Windex. Not the Greek diners we New Yorkers knew as kids: Formica counters, old warped travel posters of Greece, and some gyros tossed in to lend authenticity to a menu from which I shamelessly ordered vanilla coke and egg salad. If only I had known.

Like every place and culture, dining with a Greek family has some big fat etiquette and I tell you this only because I hope you know one, and I hope they invite you for a meal, and I hope it is around Easter. Fates willing then, you have some time then to brush up your Greek; study even. There is a lot to learn: The Greeks are a vertible crossroads of cultural food touches; marked by wars, invasions, occupations, and great growing land. Their tables are a literal feast of flavor, color, laughter, and joy.

"In the villages, the traditional way of dining is still observed, and very pleasant and relaxed it is. A table is set up in a courtyard and on it is spread a variety of mezethes for guests and family to nibble on for and hour or two while they chat and wind down.



Every meal is preceded by mezethe's, 'To prepare the stomach for the onslaugh to come,' as one ancient Greek writer exxplained.

When the mezethes are finished, bread, salad, and a main course are set int he center of the table. Vegetables are usually served later, separate from the main course.

Family and guests alike are expected to serve themselves to the food provided and to pass their wine glasses to the host to be filled...



Taking large helpings of everything at the start of the meal, to show appriciated for the food, would actually be an insult to the host, implying there might not be enough food to go around! Instead the diners helps themselves to the same dish several times, proving to the host they are enjoying themselves with the food he offers.

When we serve Greek food at home, these customs can pose problems. Our guests, used to spending less time relaxing before dinner, can easily mis-judge the pace of the meal and become full on mezethes! Thus, it is better to serve just a few mezethakia suck as olives, feta cheese, salted almonds, and peppered figs with drinks. Then, at the table, serve two or three more substantial mezethes as a first course.

In traditional Greek homes no separate first or soup courses are served (a soup is sually served as a compelte meal), so the main course is served immediately after the mezethes.

Fresh fruit, or perhaps pudding or ice cream usually completes the meal.

After the meal, and away from the dining table, Greeks often enjoy honey-rich pastries, candies, or syruped fruit (glyka) with coffee. For us these treats make delectable desserts."

- The Flavors of Greece, Rosemary Barron (William Morrow & Co, 1991)

Or, maybe, it would be best to go to Greece in person.

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my choice for boys bedding

Yada, yada, yada, the caterer was fired

My Mom is a kind and understanding person. She is generous to a fault. Loving and forgiving. But of she and the volunteer ladies with whom she serves in various women's organizations one thing can be said: They will forgive poor etiquette, but they will not pay for it a second time. So, when the coffee buffet was assembled at a luncheon and the milk placed on the table by the catering staff still in the milk carton, the ax fell graciously but effectively.

Look, I don't care who you are, how much you do or do not have, where you have or have not been, what you do or do not know: Never put cardboard down in front of a guest. Decant the milk into the cat's bowl for all I care but do not put a carton or a bag of sugar down in front of a guest. Come on.



At a service level, things like this numb the mind just a little, no?

And you are?

The other day I was talking with someone I know in these parts and I can only say of him that he was well-raised and from meticulous and remarkably successful stock: The sort that owned a lot of stuff and gave a lot to sick people and children and had the obligatory insanely public family feud when Dad died. Cotillion trained, educated in the best schools, always holds doors and is friendly to dogs, even pit bulls. So, it is very unlike him to overlook an introduction, most especially his daughter but in any event, that is what happened.

This tall, lean, slip of girl, twelve years old, leaned around her father and pleasantly extended her hand in my direction. "Hello. And you are?" she said to me.

I had not noticed her behind him (it was the nature of the situation, unfortunately), and more from reflex than manners, I extended my hand to her and said, "Catherine." She shook my hand firmly (as well as any lobbyist I have known). For a moment, the young girl before me and the maturity of the greeting did not sync, although it was beautifully accomplished.

"I'm Jane." She went on to explain that she was Mark's daughter, visiting with him for the day, and pleased to meet me.

While the phrase, "And you are?" is one of my least favorite introductions on record, this girl was otherwise remarkably genteel and socially fearless. Her father is to be forgiven his oversight in this surely rare slip in deference to the grace of his daughter.

Reassuring, I thought.

Etiquette Challenge: Final Strokes

Blushing,

Can I call you "Blushing"?

I wondered what you do in those last ten minutes before the guests arrive? My Mother contends they are the most critically spent entertaining minutes.

Very truly,
Ash
Vicksburg



Dear Ash,

Certainly. I respond to "Blushing," also "Hostess," and on one particular notable blog, "Blushtess." Frankly, given two of my professional lives, I've been called far worse, but thank you kindly for asking.

Although I had not previously given one iota of a thought to it, seems to me, your Mama is right. Some people were in for a birthday lunch this past Saturday and, per your request, I made a few notes:

1. I penned up the dogs, making sure to insult the Cairn twice because I was still hot over his trying to viciously attack me in my sleep.

2. I applied more blush and some lipstick, then made a clicking sound with my tongue and front teeth because I still could not locate my big cuff bracelet (that dog may or may not have had something to do with that issue, too).

3. I uncorked two bottles of wine, one red, one white, expertly slicing my thumb wide open on the foil of the latter then squeeeeeeeeeealing like a stuck pig and feigning a dramatic swoon while holding my arm aloft and applying pressure to my bicep. Then I wrapped the whole thing in yards of paper towel and quickly poured myself a glass. I took a seat for a moment panting after this harrowing episode while I pondered whether these obvious talents with survival skills and entertaining would make a good reality show: The Entertaining Survivalist, "Roughing it with Cannibals" or something gracious like that...

4. Then, off I went into the guest bath and gave the hyacinth a good shake, which everyone knows makes hyacinth powerful enough to scent Yankee Stadium. Then the same in living room. I believe in flowers not Febreeze. Best to stay away if you have an allergy.

5. I illuminated the faux candles (it was a first birthday party).

6. I noted the time.

7. I took a paper towel to a spot on the floor.

8. I heard the doorbell, dramatically ripped the paper towel bandaging from my (entire) arm, smiled, and opened the door.

Right then, it was seven minutes before the appointed hour. I would have to add to your Mother's caution that those ten minutes are the most important perhaps, but in truth, they begin twenty minutes before the party. There is always an early bird.

And Ash, I love a Vicksburg tomato sandwich.

Now, I leave you with the readers who will certainly have anecdotes to share.

Best,
Catherine
aka, Blushing

Etiquette challenge: The untamed shower

Dear Catherine,

This past weekend, my first impulse was to email you after a dreadful, DREADFUL baby shower I hosted. It was in honor of my cousin; I suppose you could call her my family's Lydia Bennet. She is expecting her second child soon, yet is only 20. My extended family was worn out from helping the fEtirst time around, and as no one had offered a shower, I said that I would host one for the family. I should mention my family is very, very conservative Catholic, but this cousin has always marched to the beat of a different drummer. My aunt had sold or donated most of the baby things from the first time, expecting that experience not to be repeated until there were two rings on her daughter's left hand. Immediately after I offered, my cousin asked if she could invite three friends. Of course, I answered, three friends are fine.

Saturday approached, and everything was ready. I was taken aback when her first guest arrived and immediately helped herself to cake, but that was only the start. Another guest brought her husband. Six more friends arrived. Another brought her baby, and resolutely sat on the couch while her baby screamed the entire time. They sprawled over my furniture, texting away, and glared at my husband when he passed through. The invitations to the shower said from 1-3, and her friends stayed till 3:30 (to be fair, only a few received invitations).

What should I have done?!!?

Gratefully,
Amy

Dear Amy,

I suspect each reader will have a different method here and I welcome their perspectives. Honestly, with a list such as this, best to pick your battles, you are not going to correct it all in two hours, the best you can hope for is to salvage enough to have decent photos, possibly.

Frankly, I might have given up, grabbed the champagne and headed for the kitchen stool. But you, Amy, you are a fighter.

One thinks immediately of a sitcom when reading this, do they not? Some sort of Married with Children brand of social disaster? You could act in kind, snatching cake from mouths and hands, gently replacing it, plastering it back together with a spatula while holding a screaming baby and noting, to the husband in attendance, "It's a bridal shower! If you want to stay, you must wear a dress!" Oh. No? Okay. Okay.

So, Amy. Surely, you did the best you could. In the end it is really about celebrating the impending child and you are right to swallow some of these slights for a family member. But you are within your rights to ask someone to step away from the cake, to announce the phones will be put away immediately as we are all here to celebrate Jenny's baby, to nod to the husband and say "there will be shower games, let me find your Cheetah ears, I hope you will play too!" to see if he doesn't run out to do an errand, and to mention gently to your cousin afterwards that you were not expecting quite so many guests and you would have appreciated an accounting to make it that much better an event for she and her friends.

And then, you know, see the bottom of a wine bottle once they leave...

Be well, our lovely Amy, always glad to hear from you.

Best regards,
Catherine



Photo credit: marthastewart.com

Cruel to be Kind

In the corner of the world in which I grew up, there were two kinds of hostesses. All the hostesses in Bedford. And then, the ones in Pound Ridge.

I do not know how this divide developed but having had the dinner service under my care while in school of one remarkable Bedford hostess, I can assure you, they looked upon one another with uncertainty then, if not occasionally, outright distain. Two miles of road never more separated hostessing philosophies.

In Bedford, it was all very starched. By the rules. Divergence and creativity were, "interesting," and "fun" but also exotic and unwelcome. Just on the other side of Pound Ridge Road though, they were more laid back, "casual" (a word used as if spat), and "woodsy." And not failing to note the similar failings of Bedford hostesses, by Pound Ridge standards, they were "stuffy" and "affected."

But naturally, attended one another's parties .

It was while I was checking the hand towels in the home of Katharine Gottsegan, founder of the Tobe Review, cookbook author, and entertaining powerhouse (my parents neighbor for whom I oversaw parties and dinners), that Kay came around a corner and said, "Catherine, can you come with me to Judy's next Saturday night?"

I agreed, politely but unwillingly.

Judy was a friend of Kay's from Pound Ridge. I came from the Bedford side and was trained by other Bedford types like Kay, and my gorgeous Mother. I knew this scenario was a nest of pit viper-hostess warfare. I was eighteen and would have found anything else to do besides oversee a party of seventy-something warring Westchesterites. But, the old girl collared me.

I understood that Kay and I were to keep this party from becoming a wretched fiasco at Judy's request. The words "wretched fiasco," gennerally associated with parties given by others who were one fragile chain link from barbar's in Kay's estimation, or so I inferred.

Kay was a character in many ways, not the least of which was that she had no inclination toward tact of any kind. The hour before Judy's party in which Kay wandered around Judy's house, looking things over and then saying my name, looking me in the eye, causing my glance to follow hers, and correcting Judy in wilting verbiage, is one I would like to forget. I was desperately thankful for my Mother and Grandmother just then; Never having been at the wrong end of Kay's etiquette sword which I was then witnessing in full effect for the first time.

Kay had been monotone through her stabbing instructions and disgusted alterations regarding how buffets had been laid, the kitchen considered, and the bar left "a mess" in her estimation. It was a matter-of-fact hostess slaughter, until she was shown the wine. In a jug.

Then. Then her cheeks flushed, her eyes grew wide and animated, and she became incensed. "INGLENOOK!" she railed, "Oh my God! PUT IT IN A DECANTER!!"

As I showed her to a chair, she said, "Can I have something to drink?" Then she sat back heavily and sighed, "But not, not, wine!"

She was a tactless task master, perhaps. But correct in making the point that one should give their best to their guests. Failing that, be sure an insultingly inferior product is not on display to add insult to injury.

Photo courtesy Gump's, Saint-Louis Excess Decanter

The Entertaining House

I hope you will swing by the gorgeous blog, The Entertaining House, where this week I was graciously asked to comment on children's table manners (a favorite subject of the commenter's here at Blushing). The Entertaining House is a longtime friend of Blushing Hostess and I could not more highly recommend an entertaining comedienne's page.

Etiquette Challenge: Seating to Rank

This information may matter, then again...

Following the post earlier this week on Thomas Jefferson's entertaining habits, I received a few emails with questions regarding how a table is seated to rank. This is a practice which has fallen out of favor at many tables either because many people are just over themselves and because many do not require this level of formality. Additionally, in the 1960's under the leadership of Jacqueline Kennedy, the White House (the trendsetting table for the nation), gave up traditional rank seating in favor of circular tables of eight or ten; With the exception of which guests sit with the host and hostess at which table, this less formal means of seating a room became a generally accepted form of dining formally. Suits me fine.

However, if you are using place cards, you find convention helpful, or you are indeed seating accomplished individuals and/or guests of honor at your table, you may need this information; lest you banish the creator of Post-It notes (an obvious genius, worthy of honorable status at my table) to a dining wasteland usually reserved for the newly out of jail for that icky little insider trading bit. Ah-hem.

Anyhow, off we go. It's all very complicated so try to follow my (usually quite deficient) math skills here. (Keep in mind that these rules are for seatings with equal numbers of men and women and in amounts not divisible by four: In parties of eight, twelve, sixteen, the host and hostess/co-host cannot sit opposite without a male or female next to another male or female. )

1. For dinners not divisible by four: The host sits at the head of the table. The hostess or co-host at the opposite end of the table.

2. For dinners divisible by four: The hostess/ co-host moves one place to the left, the man on her right is then seated at the end of the table opposite the host.

3. If there are several round tables, the host, hostess, and guest-hosts seat themselves at separate tables, always facing into the room.

4. Regardless of the shape of the table, the places to the right of the host and the hostess are for guests of honor: The female to the host's right is the female guest of honor, and the man to the right of the hostess/ co-host is the male guest of honor. I remember this by that old Catholic school thing: At his right hand...

5. The second ranking woman sits to the host's left and the second ranking male on the hostess's left.

6. If there are guests of official status, this couple are default honorees and such couples share equal rank status.

7. If there are no official guests, the place of honor is bestowed to a pair of swells or givers (but in truth, people in a prestigious position in the community).

8. At any level of formality, when you are giving a dinner on behalf of others, they are to be seated next to the host and hostess.

In answer to one last readers query: In my home, my Husband and I are seated at either end of a rectangular table. I establish the "head" of the table in each new home as the end furthest from the kitchen. I sit at the opposite end, closest the kitchen (and nearest the fire extinguisher therein) unless there are four dining very casually, in which case all are seated across and the head and end left vacant, for ease of conversation.

The White House seating chart for circular seating in the Blue Room, President John F. Kennedy's White House state dinner in honor of Andre Malraux, May 16, 1962.

Etiquette Challenge: Close quarters

Catherine,

I adore this blog. Can you come to my house? I think we need you as a live-in instructor/ comedienne.

I am visiting friends in the New York City next weekend and staying with them in their smallish apartment. How can I be a great guest?

Best regards,
Christine

Dear Christine,

Thank you for your note. I would love to come over but I really can't stay, there is ever more civilized wreckage to attend to all over. But I will keep the offer in mind should my large-vehicle antics cause me to need a new perch.

So, Darling, it is not ideal; this sleeping about in cramped spaces with people with whom you probably never intended to be quite so intimate. Surely they insisted and you accepted and here we are, fait accompli.

I admit this subject made me cringe, so I am leaning on Amy Vanderbilt here; several experiences with this subject have left my mind with a complete block on these situations. My stemware bears the marks of visitors to our former townhouse in Boston, somewhere in a landfill.

As a guest:
1. Observe the to-bed hour, breakfast, and bathroom schedules and fit yourself into the scheme in an unobtrusive manner.
2. Use your suitcase as a bureau and do not unpack anything you do not immediately need.
3. If you are staying more than one day, make your bed and refold the sofa (or what have you) at the start of the day. Fold the linens you used when leaving. Make up the bed with new linens and refold into a sofa leaving your linens in the laundry if it is obvious or in a neat pile on the sofa if not.
4. Make your own breakfast and do your own dishes.
5. Write a warm letter of thanks when you leave and send (or have brought along) a little gift.
(6. And on a personal note: Please limit the amount of wine you drink and replace all the stemware you break.)
Just to be thorough, a few thoughts for the cramped quarter host or hostess as well:
1. Provide bath, hand, face towels and a new bar of soap on a rack in the bath and a cup with toothpaste for a place to store their toothbrush. Point them out when you show the guest around.
2. Provide a location in a common area for the guest to hang their clothing and leave a few spare hangers there. Mention that you have an iron and board should they need it.
3. Make up the sofa or bed with clean linens, pillows, and plenty of blankets.
4. Give a few gentle hints as to what the household schedule is in the morning; an astute guest will extrapolate when to use the bath in the least obtrusive manner.

Christine, it is my sincerest hope that you enjoy your stay and that your hosts' glassware remains intact.

Best wishes,
Catherine

Reference: The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Letitia Baldridge.
Photo credit: Living, etc.

Etiquette Challenge: A Christmas card for his parents

Dear Catherine,

First let me say that I love your blog! What a wealth of information and heartwarming entertainment!

I would like to ask your advice... I want to send my boyfriend's parents, with whom I've never had a conversation, a Christmas card. I know that they regularly hear about me from my boyfriend. Do I need to introduce myself in the first paragraph of the letter? If so, should I introduce myself as "X's girlfriend?" Or is that too obvious and formal? I would appreciate your advice on how to approach this correspondence.

Best,

Ashley


Ashley,

Thank you for your kind note and allowing us to take a stab at it with you.

As far as sending a card: Yes, if you are a couple and you and he have discussed your doing this, you can send a card.

In your opening paragraph you might write, "John has told me so much about you and I want to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy holiday." Maintain your identity but tip your hat to your relationship gently.

As far as what you call yourself, you need not call yourself anything: You are not X-'s girlfriend and in all situations in life I am no fan of labeling oneself nor allowing oneself to be labeled. You are Ashley: Gorgeous, fabulous, independent - with or without the person you date.

His parents are either are or are not aware of the nature of your commitment but that is your boyfriend's point to clarify for them; you can move on happily to the pleasant reason for which you are writing.

Just write a few short, light sentences because you have not met and therefore, you should not fill his parents in on your resume, family history, or even your plans for the weekend.

Here is one set of suggestions, with luck the readers will have additional thoughts:

- I am really looking forward to the holidays with my family, we expect a large turnout this year...
- John has shared so many great memories with me of childhood Christmases and I am hoping this year will be as perfect for your family as those he cherishes.
- With luck, we will meet one another in the new year.
- Best wishes for a Merry Christmas (what have you) and a happy new year, you are in my thoughts.

Sign off warmly but not overly familiar: "Warmly," "Best regards," and "Fondly," are pleasant and well-mannered.

Good luck, Ashley, and happy holidays to you both!

Photo credit: Psychology Today

Etiquette Challenge: Finger foods

Getting coffee is no excuse to allow your manners obligation to fall by the wayside. In Starbucks (I know. I know.) I asked my two-year-old daughter if she was through with her milk, "I don't want any more." she responded. I reminded her, as I do, no thank you, Mama. This exchange, overheard by a group nearby, spurred the inevitable discussion of these times (Why don't more people teach their children manners?) but continued on to an etiquette subject I've never covered before nor considered, frankly. You can thank a lovely soul named Elise for this little primer, she was well taught... six, she told me, there are six things you may eat with your hands.

Amy Vanderbilt, Letitia Baldridge, and Nancy Tuckerman, two of the three having held the most senior internal protocol positions in the United States, have not addressed this subject entirely. Which only goes to show there is often more comprehensive etiquette sensibility in the pinkie of a girl at Starbucks who may never have given much thought to her grace, than a black limo full of White House etiquette doyenne's. But I digress.

I have uncovered several (so far). Of these, a few have appeared here occasionally as separate etiquette subjects: Bread (broken up, buttered in small pieces, eaten with the hands). Artichokes (plucked one leaf at a time from the whole). Sandwiches. Fan tail shrimp. Chips (potato, Saratoga, what have you). Olives. Caviar. And in my book: Anything you are going to cause me to eat while holding a cocktail glass and perched atop a pair of Manolo's better be finger food. Period.



Apparently, there is some disagreement over the others: Asparagus (I cut mine on the bias and eat it with a fork unless it is crudite). Shrimp of every other variety (fish fork or dinner fork). Smoked salmon and trout. Sushi. And so on.

Do you have another for me?

Drink Starbucks, learn etiquette: One more reason no one should be complaining about caffeine intake.

Etiquette Challenge: Uncork it?

Darling Hostess,

We were gifted with several excellent bottles of wine when we were engaged. That was four years ago and we have not opened any of the bottles. Cringe! I am always waiting for the best time but anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays have passed. It never seems special enough. Do you have a rule of thumb for opening your best bottles?

Kisses,
Katie

(Full disclosure: Katie is one of my oldest friends, if she were not, she absolutely should not be kissing virtual-perfect strangers, although I could not even feign surprise if this kind of thing were uncovered. Also, I gave her a few of those bottles, two of which should have been opened already.)

She has the wrong hostess for the task in me: I don't know about you, but I open bottles when I am having dinner, thirsty, out of shampoo, or when I am close to the shore and not in any rush to send a message. I try not to open bottles of champagne unless I am in the company of very trusted souls (don't ask, I mean it, don't). Two bottles or more of any one wine sits aside for dinner parties. This concludes what I know, except to say: Open the bottles already, are you waiting for an apocalypse?

Do you have an uncorking rule of thumb you can share with my girl?

Etiquette Challenge Workshop: The Dinner Table Candles

Dear Blushing,
When should I light the candles on the dinner table?
Truly,
Leah, Ontario


Well, readers? Do kindly chime in.



Photo credit: rootcandle.com

Etiquette Challenge Workshop: The Table Covering Debate

Dear Blushing Hostess,

I have found and purchased, after two years of looking, my dream kitchen table. The tabletop has been well-loved, and will eventually be refinished. Now, I prefer to enjoy glitter glue sessions with my 4-year old with nary a concern about the already damaged finish and enjoy life. In fact, I already miss the green glitter glue marks on the old table that we deemed “Tinkerbelle’s footprints”. Mr. C has suggested that we purchase a tablecloth in the interim. As I don’t plan on fretting over PB & J stains on any of the old white linen damask for the next 10 years, any table linens I currently own are too large, too high maintenance for daily use, and generally out of the question.

On to my question- the table is 48” round. I’ve never owned a round table, and have a sneaking suspicion that a round tablecloth is well, not to be done? Should I look for 70” x 70” square or is round acceptable? Should I just scrap the tablecloth idea and use place mats as I have been, as it is necessary to sponge off the table after every meal?

Thank you,

Mrs. C

Kind readers, I am looking forward to your thoughts in the comments below and I will post the response I wrote to Mrs. C next week.



If you have an etiquette question with which we can help, please email your dilemma to me at catherine@blushinghostess.com.

Blushing tip: Find my favorite guide to folding round table cloths for storage here.

Photo credits: Southern Living, Southern Accents

Etiquette Challenge Workshop: Teach your children well

Without a close second, the subject I receive the most etiquette inquires on is teaching manners to children. Over these two years, I have mentioned several books which I think help adults to brush up their Shakespeare, so to speak, in order to help children in turn to be mannered. But as I am raising my own girls, I notice nothing teaches better than example.

Before I had children, I did not appreciate wild children in dining rooms, it turns out it is not more precious when my own daughter acts out. I am even less likely to tolerate wild behaviour from my own offspring. I am lucky that these incidents are very rare, but if they do happen, Josh or I walk our oldest out of the room and say to her quietly, "We need to sit down here until you can gather yourself, then we can go back." She does not want to miss a second at the table and composes herself with some gentle reassuring.

We do exactly what many do not do: We take them to lovely places; well-mannered dining rooms, and we eat three course meals with them. Yes. I am a dining dare-devil at every level.



Corporate management habits have helped me here: I believe that if you do not give the tools to succeed then you have assured failure. To that end, I set my babies up to win: We go very early to dinner or at lunchtime, I call ahead and warn the captain that I am bringing young children who are learning their manners and that I would love to sit in a quiet corner.

I bring distractions and things to make the event special: Small books, little coloring tablets and so on.



And I do not leave without my daughter's tiny precious porcelain tea cup and saucer. Then, every event is a "tea party" for her and it makes everything very much more wonderful for she and us.



She can absolutely dress up her favorite doll and bring her to the table to have her own chair. Why not? At my favorite restaurant there is a woman who eats on the terrace every Saturday evening with her dog in the chair next to her, and he has his own plate. Why not bring a doll or toy as long as they do not make noise (bark or drool)?

My babies are young: Two and a half and six months. Still, the older has dined successfully in some wonderful restaurants which I would not say are particularly kid-friendly. My younger Daughter comes along too, she is a very easy baby and loves everything, so no problem there. I cannot speak for a difficult baby as I have not had one.

I do not believe in spending a ton of money to eat out (I am old-world cheap, not frugal, to be clear) but I like to be out, experience things and gain culture, and my girls need to be well-mannered citizens of the world. To that end we do something of this nature every week without fail.

There is a little tea room nearby which we love and which welcomes children happily. They make everything perfect for them: A pot of tea and a scone costs about $4.00 and has been great manners practice.

We step it up to lunch or dinner whenever life allows. Sometimes Josh can be there, which is critical for them because they need to be aware of gentleman's manners also, but he works a great deal and consequently, much of this task has been mine (which is not a hardship).

I have learned little tricks to make the experience more exciting for my Daughter. In better restaurants, I ask them to fill a teapot with water and bring it to the table and my Daughter has her own tea party for lunch or dinner while we dine together. She loves a tea party, anywhere, anytime.

She needs to practice with everything on the table and we help her deal carefully with glasses and all the items there (see below). Only knives are prohibited. We reinforce the message that objects on a dining table are tools and not toys; in order to learn to use them she is allowed to deal with everything herself under our watchful eyes.



I remove only the knife from her place setting and she otherwise can use both a spoon and fork because her place is set with them at all meals at home as well.



When we are out, things need to be special to keep her attention, she is allowed to have treats and fun food and all the rules of organics are suspended.



It is great that they make hamburgers for children in good dining rooms now! When my parents went through this process with my Brother and I, we were constantly disappointed by the choices for us; all very serious food, nothing we would love to eat. Consequently, the experience was not as much fun as it could have been. But there was always dessert.

This time is about joy, not restrictions or label reading (you cannot do that in someone's home or a restaurant - at the moment - anyway, right?).



Disasters? We have had plenty of spills, stains, and tears but all of those things have reduced since the beginning. And the restaurants have been duly warned in order to project against permanent issues.

Delicious, kid friendly food, a little lightheartedness, and some space between us and the next table of diners have helped to make etiquette practice painless for all of us. Happy Mama...


(Ooops, did I forget to tell you I had cut all my hair off? What do you think? I kind of miss my long luxurious locks!)

and Happy babies. because I have also learned to try to be sure there is room for spontaneous tap dancing: Because sometimes you gotta dance!





Will you share some advice on teaching manners to children for this Workshop?

Etiquette Challenge Workshop: If you had it to do over

Blushing,

We are going to complete our wedding registry this weekend. Will you and your readers help me not to forget anything important?

Truly,
Denise
Palo Alto, CA

Denise,
From my closets to yours: Two sauce/gravy boats. Soup spoons. Soup bowls. Small bowls. Silver trays of all sizes.

You can never have enough towels: Get more than you need, put some away to use down the road, when you have children and guests, you will need stacks. Blankets.

Non-necessities I would love to have: A sterling silver cover for the holiday bird and a toast rack for breakfast.

Best wishes to you both,
Catherine

Well, Readers, please leave a comment and tell us what you would have put on your wedding gift registry if you could turn back time.

Just because one is a diva

... does not make one incorrect, and it still does mean you are only human after all.

Jennifer Lopez "threw a fit"when guests were late to her 40th birthday bash:
An Evening With Lola was supposed to be perfect — Lola is Marc Anthony's nickname for Lopez, and she entered the party to the song "Whatever Lola Wants." But there were empty seats when the dinner started and Jennifer was fuming.
-Gatecrasher

While Jennifer Lopez may have a reputation for being an impossible and demanding diva, she is also a generous and capable hostess whose parties have been thought highly of in many powerful circles for years. It seems a shame that anyone, of any stature, would be late; especially for a birthday celebration.

Recently, I was disgusted to find no fewer than twenty four empty seats at a wedding reception and more guests leaving as soon as dinner was served. If thirty of the one hundred twenty or so original guests remained for the liqueurs, I would be surprised.

As a rule of thumb, if you accept an invitation unless one is gravely ill three days beforehand, you should attend. Three days before the party is generally when the head count is due. When one is a no-show, the couple must pay for the those heads which is certainly no sort of gift to give people just starting out together. Secondly, a note of apology along with a gift should be sent immediately.

If you are late for a seated event (which should only happen if you are delivering a child by the side of 95 or advising the President on a matter of national security) upon entering the room go directly to the hostess and apologize quickly and quietly. She will point you towards your seat. If you are late and you are a woman, you should approach the host in the same manner. In either case, take care not to interrupt the evening in progress and refrain from regaling the table with the pressing matter that caused your lateness. Wade into the conversation already underway.

Do not accept two dinner invitations on the same evening, it is deplorable and smacks of hedging one's invitations. It is for the uncouth and unpolished. Now, a brunch or an afternoon open house and a dinner or dessert and champagne party on the same day is a perfectly wonderful plan, and in my estimation, great reason to find myself exhausted on a Sunday morning.

On the opposite side of the coin, it may be very difficult (especially in the case of an emotional event such as a wedding) to keep feelings at bay. But a hostess will not be well served by doing anything but enjoying the lovely company she does have and focusing on the happiness and well-wishes around her. Take a few deep breaths and release your frustration silently into the air. Concentrate on joy.

Finally, do not forget that you have a little time left to enter the reader giveaway for Taste, Acquiring What Money Can't Buy, by Letita Baldridge, here. And the ChillinJoy giveaway here.