Monday, December 13, 2010

Santa's new rig (aka Entertaining mythical non-entities and transients)

I've put some thought into entertaining Santa this year.

This began innocently enough, with my Daughter remarking on the lit fireplace, "Be careful! You're going to burn Santa's boots!" Right on, Kid, it wouldn't hurt to light a fire under his ass.

Look, if everything said about the elf is true: He's no gentleman. I think he is the kind of guy who leaves the seat up and chews with his mouth open. I know this because one year when I was little, I suspect he did both those things judging by the trail of evidence in the house. These habits being altogether otherwordly in my Mother's mannerly kingdom, I think you'll agree, there remains no way I was wrong about the guy: He's a mess.

Further to my theory: One year he left the Barbie Dream House unassembled. He knew very well I could not follow an eight page manual partially written in French. I mean, really, guy?

Finally, he's no saint; keeps a reindeer up all night slogging all over creation in a blinding snowstorm and apparently is useless with operation of the front door.

Now, you remember last year around here, of course. The whole thing right and orderly: Jolly Old comes - chimney, what have you and then - cookie - good, scribble a little note, throw some gifts everywhere - then beat it next door.

And thank you very much.

But this house is full of girls. The women here, beginning with the one most closely in touch with the elf, feel he needs an image adjustment - er, correction perhaps. Firstly, without casting further aspirsions on Santa, we are not agreed he is a boy. We like to think he is above gender.

But if not, he is most likely a she and has refined taste in the boots that whoosh down the chimney; they are no one's buckled fire boots.

Secondly, Santa loves a note. Also, design-related books and scented glossy mags and could use a break to just kick back and flip through a few pages, you know? So, if you don't mind, could she have a bit of reading materials along with only a glass of water (she's not much of a milk drinker and she's driving). I think you note her car key here; of Scandinavian make for speed and turns in frigid cold. She doesn't believe in reindeer abuse; the modern sled has all wheel drive and Rudolph, always in shot-gun, is one hell of a navigator.

It has long been suspected that Rudolph carries the alias Pumpkin on any day but Christmas and is, in truth, a bit too porky to be alighting skyward between snowflakes.

Finally, that last myth with regards to the man: Santa has pretty thick skin but I'd be careful with the term right jolly old elf if you want anything out of the chimney arrangement this year.

Because, jolly might be pushing the issue when toys with a million pieces are involved. Maybe this elf sees a little devilish charm in this once-nightly festival of big wheels and dream houses. But jolly might be a misnomer of epic proportions. Safe to say at least, Santa can laugh at the consumer crisis that is Christmas still and the inexplicable line at Brookstone. Certainly Santa keeps amused, if not jolly.

And I don't know who you're calling old. But I assure you, Santa is not.


JMW said...

This brought a smile to my face. :) Love the idea of a fur and fabulous shoes waiting by the hearth.

little augury said...

fantastic storytelling, and certainly Santa has kept up with the times-regardless of gender, the velvet has to be soaked and super hot-not in a good way- some lt wt. fleece maybe-though Your Santa - sounds super hot-in a good way. I am sure she picks out the very best presents to say the least! good to see you back a revved up C.

Mark said...

After a couple years of rentals, my newly purchased Santa suit arrived in the mail today. (My 7 year old son and I will be making our annual December 25 visit to a local hospital to give gifts to the children who are hospitalized at Christmas.)

I must point out that this Santa would never leave the seat up or chew with his mouth open and neither would his son. But I do have a dilemma: The "boots" that came with the suit are essentially knee high plastic spats. I may need to do a little thrift store shopping before the 25th.

As for my son's request to wear reindeer antlers... suggestions are welcomed.

pve design said...

...wonderfully composed. Santa know's who's been naughty or nice. That last image deserves a nice frame. Have yourself a merry little christmas.

Country Contemporary said...

Well said. A great chuckle on this Christmas morn.

red ticking said...

what a wonderful story... love it... xx

Joyce said...

I hope you had a nice Christmas. I enjoyed reading this post- very cute. xo

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

May your New Year be filled with many Blessings and abundances of Joy for 2011. From my mountain to yours, Until next year
Hugs and Smiles Gl♥ria

ADG said...

Merry Christmas out there!