To: Andrew Cuomo, Attorney General, Great State of New York
From: The Blushing Hostess
Date: February 4, 2009
Re: A Semi-Homemade White House
Sir. With all due respect, I am concerned. Scratch that. I am wildly preoccupied and feel I need to point out how very unwise this Sandra Lee, Miss Semi-Homemade thing could be for you if the news reports are correct, and you intend to run for Governor of this fine Empire State and/or President of these United States.
First, let me be clear that I would have no objection to your holding these offices. On the contrary, I would follow you into battle with only my Meissen as a shield...
But really. Sandra Lee? Never mind the "breast augmentation" gone wrong (swing low, sweet chariot)...
But may I say - yuck, yuck. And trying to forget about her involvement with married Food Network exec Gordon Elliot. Not to mention that unfortunate ickiness with her ex-husband, the CEO of KB Homes. And the fact that she seems to discard one for another as quickly as her ambition has gained all it can from each. Even though you don't need a girl like that after your Kerry Kennedy heartache. Even though you're a better man than people like that. Forget all that. Sure. Never happened.
Oh! And forget all the photos totally not becoming of a First Lady of the state and nation of my birth: If this is the kind of girl you would pick out, I don't think I am comfortable with your judgement, which could send my Husband to war again. No, I am not willing to take that chance. I really think you need to rethink this thing: Heart be damned! You've got to think of your image!
Here is the part I really cannot stomach, not for you, not for me: A Semi-Homemade Governor's residence. A SEMI-HOMEMADE WHITE HOUSE? While I laughed for a good five minutes picturing Sandra Lee and Carla Bruni reading the scented glossies in the private residence and creating "tablescapes" from Michael's and the local aquarium gift shop while the state-chili dinner simmered away in the National Crock Pot and the staff bartender shook up a bunch of refreshing and phallic Bananas Foster Cocktails a la United States of America:
I can not help but imagine what the dining room table will look like on really important occasions, like the Fourth of July.
Always best to remember how the flag is correctly and most respectfully displayed we would not want this unfortunate snafu in the White House: