Bread and Butter

Bread and butter. That mysterious little plate and tiny knife to the left of your place setting is a bread plate and butter knife. Oh! You knew that, of course. But to use them correctly there is a good long nuisance of a ballet. And there is the never-ending confusion regarding how to accept bread from a server, how to serve it at home, and then as if all that weren't enough strategery (did you like that?), you need to be clear on how to correctly consume it once it finally makes its way to your plate. Lets clear up this mystifying matter of the dining table.

Firstly, some things you may not know about the unsuspecting bit players in your dinner:

1. When setting a table, the bread plate should be placed to the upper left of the charger or dinner plate.

2. The butter knife should be placed horizontally across the top of the plate, knife end closest the dinner plate, blade pointing downwards towards the guest.

3. Occasionally there will be no bread plate. This was formerly correct in the United States and in some parts of the world still is: If you are offered bread and have no plate to your left, the etiqutte of formal dinner was, according to Amy Vanderbilt, to "place a hard dinner roll on or in the napkin."

Moving on, It might be best we rethink this napkin plan straight away, because it is messy and regardless of what she says, never eat directly from the tablecloth.

If you are having a dinner at home, these are some options and your choice is dependent on your service's infrastructure and your willingness to deal with one more set of plates:

1. Set the table with bread plate and butter knife. It does not really matter any longer that your center and butter plates match: find something neutral or complimentary to the table. This is my prefernece.

2. Do not use butter plates and allow the guests to use their center plates for the bread. Now, here is the daring part: The guests either have to use their dinner knife for the butter or you will need to find some other (aka outside the guidelines of mannerliness as documented at a planetary level thus far) method of setting the table to give them a butter knife. You could line it up in use order, perhaps.

3. Do not serve bread. (Heavens! A moment of insanity just gripped me.) Serve yorkshire pudding and call it genius.

4. Or, you sneaky little peach, wait until the main course is on the table to place
the baskets on the table or have them brought around. Everyone will place it on their dinner plates and move on with their lives.

If you are in a restaurant, the following applies:

1. If a server approaches with a basket of multiple types of rolls, you will point to one (and only one). The server will place the bread on your bread plate with tongs.

2. If the bread is served from a community basket on the table, select only one and move it to your bread plate.

Butter, whether you are serving it at home or eating it in a restaurant requires
the following attention:

1. Generally, one suculpted or sliced piece of good butter is placed on a small service plate at the center of the table (Four people at dinner equals four 1 tablespoon size pats of butter on the service plate).

2. Remove one pat of butter and place it on your bread plate. Do not butter your bread pieces from the community plate.

3. If the butter is served in a small bowl or egg cup, use your butter knife to remove only as much as you will need to eat your roll and place it on your bread plate. Butter your bread from your portion. Once again, do not butter your bread from the service plate, only from your own bread plate.

Now you have solved the service problem but the issue is only half addressed. Did you think eating bread properly was easy? Let me set you straight: Apparently it is not. The task of getting bread on to butter and into your jaw is perhaps the most challenging of all dining skills to master but once understood makes the process of consuming bread much easier, faster, and neater.

To correctly consume a large slice of bread, a roll, or any other baked good normally served on a bread plate, you will break the bread with your hands, one small bite-sized piece at a time, butter and/or salt it as you wish, put the butter knife down and consume it, one piece at a time.

Please do not break it up into twelve tiny pieces. Please do not butter three pieces in advance. And whatever you do, do not butter an entire piece of bread or roll and eat it whole. People will begin staring and while that is not good manners, it is clearly a free-for-all now, no?

Many happy returns

Have a dish you need to return to a friend? Join Blushing Hostess for great ideas on making a gracious return.

On Burgers, BBQ's, and Bottles

There are a few confusing hostessing scenarios which baffle the mind and the hostess. Chiefly among them is the all-American tradition of barbecue. Presumed to be the easiest of all service scenarios for hosts and hostesses, it is in fact most challenging and not at all a low maintenance scenario. While the food may, in some simplified instances, be an easy hamburger and sausage affair; the dinner, supper, lunch, or brunch service does not fall by the wayside: You are just as obligated to come up with the plates, forks, knives, and napkins of a correct meal service when all will eat at picnics tables as you would be if you were hosting a charity gala at the Biltmore Estate. Your guests are no less worthy of your best kitten-heeled foot forward simply because they are standing next to open flames, are they?

(The subject of whether or not to use paper plates is beyond the scope of this essay. However I can sum up if you wish to know my opinion on the subject: Never. Paper plates and napkins along side plastic utensils and salad bowls?! The name of the hostess is Mrs. Careless Landfill III, maybe? It is easy and attractive for a table to sport reusable, recycled, or biodegradable items if you insist on disposables. Plum Party will put a whole reusable shooting match in a box and ship it to you, no thinking required! No excuses either! This Palm Springs Glamour thing with the melamine is fun though I still get itchy thinking about polyester based products, especially in place of porcelain, but it is appropriate in some instances. Children at the table, for example. And these good folks at Green Party Goods will send you heaps of "paper"plates made from remainders of the sugar refining process that break down in landfill in 4-6 months, which is better than never.)

In many ways, we have come to expect the invitation to a barbecue to mean attending a party in very casual dress and consuming things served from bottles: Drinks and condiments. But bottles, whether they contain beer or ketchup are not acceptable serving vessels unless the guest insists, as some beer drinkers do, on drinking from their bottle. They must be offered a drinking vessel, preferably a glass or in the event of a world ending glass delivery strike, (I cringe as I type it) a cup.

Furthermore, ketchup, mustard, relishes and the like are also correctly served from bowls or some other effective, artful, or precious vessel, with an appropriate service utensil such as a smallish spoon, relish fork, or some other lovely but ditsy means of moving said ketchup to said dog.

I will no longer be invited to plenty of households for mentioning the above but it pays to be quite fearless on this subject: Many people with creative spirits and lovely manners might be encouraged to pull together their best party yet.

I caused myself a problem inadvertently during my dinner party this past Saturday: At the last moment before dinner I hunted for my relish tray and condiment bowls. I thought I had them somewhere mind you, under hill and dale in the storage place (The garage? The pantry's? Ugh!). I was having a barbecue of sorts and serving the $50,000 Burger which readers of the Blushing Hostess may remember fondly, and it occurred to me that I had no vessel of the right size in which to place each condiment on the table.

What a difficulty I can be to myself at times.

It occurred to me a moment ago what became of my three bay condiment tray: I off'ed it to the blissful land One Hostess's Trash... in hopes it would become the treasure of another, more rustic, possibly Alaskan, hostess. You see, it was one of a few serving vessels I have found to be hive-provokingly annoying, practically stupid. Once the condiments were in the tray, it looked very pleasing but at the literal bottom they were preposterous. I was always careful to place a good deal of each condiment in each bay praying all the while that the guests would never get to the bottom of the tray.

It never happened. No guest ever scraped against the bottom of the tray with the serving spoon to discover on the bottom the laughing, ney, cackling, moose painted on the bottom of this otherwise gorgeous relish tray. I could tell you a long story about how this questionable piece of wildlife paraphernalia fell into my hands, a girl clearly not worthy of either it's hokiness or collect-ability, but it involves taking an ill-advised stand for alcohol imbibement in Utah and my subsequent adventure through the airport gift shop. Originally, I intended to bring the moose relish tray to to my Mother. Surely, there must have been some moment of greatness when I saw the underappreciated and endlessly useful future of the vessel in one of the great hostesses' homes.

I don't remember that moment specifically and I never did have the nerve to give the cackling moose to another person fearing what their retribution might be. Being a person genetically programmed to avoid waste, I forced myself to keep it, move with it four times, and use it, each time dutifully creating more waste by squeezing much more ketchup into the thing than we could possibly use. One day, I placed it into the Goodwill bag with an unsure hand. I felt wasteful and foolish, to have bought it to begin with and to compound my offense by giving it away. It must be useful to someone, went my logic, serve well, you hysterically happy moose, I said as I shoved it to the bottom of the donation bag.

So it is gone. Somehow in the meantime, the task of looking for a replacement escaped me. Saturday night I was forced to resort to sweet but oversized bowls for the condiment service. I was not going to resort to bottles on the table. Why I doubt even Teresa Heinz, who is no doubt very proud of the family ketchup empire, would agree to place a plastic bottle on the table. Even pride has its limits.

Now is the time to move on the relish tray issue. There are a couple of so-so candidates on the market at the moment, none of them as original as my moose but worthy, at least, of placing on a picnic table or buffet. Another fine solution is my local antiquities dealer or thrift shop, people are never through rifling through their relish trays and sending them over to the Ladies Club shop. I will eventually find something that suits my taste and avoid relish-cloaked dinner foods until then.

The bottle issue extends to beverages as well. Here is a place where it will be harder, through no fault of ones own, to reinforce good manners: Some people like to drink beer from bottles. Your party will not be enjoyable for them if you do not accept this preference. This is no time to leap from your seat, sidle up behind the offender, and whisper in their ear something gracious and clear regarding the bottle issue. You may only do that kind of thing when the offense is greater than the party iteslf: Throwing food or using the WC with the door open. No, I am afraid you have to party on bravely or prevent the issue altogether.

But how? How will you head off some of these sworn bottle drinkers? There are a few clever tricks to consider here and it depends what kind of party you are having. (The trouble is entirely worth it if there are to be cameras in attendance. Never photograph your guests holding alcoholic beverages. It does not make a good photo, memory, or politician. More on this at a later date.) These are some potential options:

A. Get a keg and conceal it properly: Kegs are a useful and completely acceptable means of serving beer at a party, though the keg should not be apparent. A "barrel" as it was known at Providence College (The Hostesses fine Alma mater) is not a festive decoration. Put it under a table or behind the bar.

B. The Old Two Handed Drink Service: If you know a person to be a bottle drinker, hand them the opened bottle and the cold, beautiful pilsner or glass at the same time (I do not advocate mugs for, ah, anything, come to think of it.) in the hopes that they decide to use your fabulous glass. If they don't, move on, Precious, life is almost too short to worry about it.

The photo below is a ginger beer service recently employed hereabouts, you see the idea, the glass needs to be as or more enticing than the bottle:



C. If it is a self-service bar, line the pilsners up directly next to the beer on ice, making it completely impossible to ignore. Likewise, wine of each variety next to it's paired glass. Mixed drinks next to the liquors. And so on. (Not unlike the above photo.)

D. Your caterers' bartender will see to it that it happens: It is gratefully rare that caterers will allow bottles into service, it makes for perfectly awful photos and makes their event less polished and glossy.

You may be thinking that you do not have enough glassware to manage serving everyone at your upcoming party and you cannot afford a caterer. Let's devise some other lovely solution then: What say you call a party or equipment rental company and tell them you are swinging by to pick up a dozen of each sort of glass you may need to rent for the weekend, to be returned on Monday? It is a good deal less expensive than buying this glassware if you did not receive it from your registry gifts and in some cases you will not even have to wash them. Just return them all as agreed.

Oh, if it could all be so simple. What a wonderful world it might be.

Table manners for tots... and etiquette tots

I know what you're thinking, I should not have to say this. You and I think alike.

But a moment of utter frustration in a restaurant not long ago has once again dropped me off here at the bus station marked, "Teaching children manners to prevent the creation of more ill-mannered adults." You and I are going on little ride. Not because you need it but because reminding ourselves never hurts, and gently prodding others along will prevent them from looking like clods. I think of you and I as a public service of sorts: Increasing respect and mannerliness.

Amy Vanderbilt is kind enough to recount the most valuable first lessons of table etiquette for me as my daughter arrives at her first birthday this month and comes of an age to begin learning guiding table manners. This is nothing too advanced you understand, just the broadest of strokes to get a person by in polite company. These surface-scratching wisdom's however, would have prevented a gentleman (a loosely accurate descriptive) sitting near us in a very swank restaurant from making a negative statement about himself, his respect for the establishment, and (ever-so-important) ruining the tablecloth before him.

I have identified the offending problems in parens:

- Wash your hands before coming to the table (I hope so.).
- Present yourself neatly (Nope, soiled golf shirt, I take issue with the "soiled" part only as this is within the dress guidelines for the establishment.).
- Leave toys, books, and pets behind (Check.)
- Place your napkin in your lap when you take your seat (It remained on the tabletop throughout his meal).
- Sit straight up and do not slouch (well, you could tap everyone for that at times, so let's amend this to: Try to remember to sit up straight.).
- Use manners to ask for dishes to be passed, ie, begin with "please" and end with "thank you" (not applicable to this scenario).
- Do not eat until everyone is served (Nope.).
- Used flatware from the outside in (Used his dinner fork for three courses insisting on hanging on to it on his butter plate, ugh.).
- In American dining, do not place your elbows on the table (He was okay here.).
- Never chew or speak with food in your mouth (Check. And check. Ick.)
- Do not bang utensils on the table (He managed to restrain himself.)
- Your portion of butter is to be removed from the serving plate or bowl with your butter knife and placed on your butter plate (Could not very well spend my whole meal peeking at this person, I will give him the benefit of my suspicions and say he complied.)
- Knives are used for cutting food. A knife is not an eating utensil (He passes!)
- The American method of correct placement of utensils on a plate when you are finished with your meal is as follows: Both the knife and fork are to be placed on the right hand side of your plate: Knife blade facing left or in, and fork tines down. This will indicate to the server you are finished and your plate should promptly be removed (Here is where the most egregious and noticeable issue occurred: The man placed his utensils hanging from the side of the plate. The fork tines on the plate edge and the base of the fork resting on the tablecloth. The knife blade on the plate edge next to the fork, and the base of the knife on the tablecloth. See below.)

I have provided some photos of a basic placesetting. Nothing to confuse the issue here: No soup spoons or fish forks, and the four service glasses are not there either. But keep this in mind as you note how very crowded a piece of real estate at a table could be once dirty utensils on the cloth are added to the mix. Correct placement of utensils at the conclusion of the meal, knife and fork on the right side of the plate, fork tines down, knife facing in:

Grossly incorrect placement, utensils leaning on the tablecloth:


You can guess what happened. He inadvertently went to pick up his wine glass and knocked the utensils from the side of his plate and soiled utensils met the tablecloth. In a private home, this will mean an endless and usually fruitless task for the hostess trying to remove a red wine reduction from her Mother's Irish linen tablecloth. Inconsiderate and unacceptable.

Secondly and perhaps most importantly the first rule of food service is to serve from the left and take from the right. Turning your knife blade in prevents the blade from making contact with a servers hand. To my mind it is as crucial as handing a scissor to another person by the handles. It is a polite and safe habit.

When it comes to dining utensils, one rule of thumb should prevail: Utensils should only be placed on a table (with or without a tablecloth) when they are clean. In other words, when the first table is set. Do not attempt to "clean" your utensils by wiping a knife blade against your fork or spoon, this is also poor manners. Simply place your utensils on your plate as I have advised and spare the hostess or proprietor the agony of watching another quality piece of pristine linen begin it's journey to Unfortunate Rag status.